A naive seventeen year old

so I cant decide what exactly I should write on here and what I shouldnt... I'm not going to write super personal stuff, but sometimes I need to write about and I kind of like to publish it I guess... I dont know... it just looks so pretty on my website. anyways... here we go.

When I was 17 I was dating this guy... His name was Tyler. We dated for about 8 or 9 months. (I dont really count the last month because we fought through the whole thing. Anyhow, we had a lot of problems from the beginning. At first, it was the age difference. I was 17 and he was 19 and I guess everyone had a problem with that. except for my parents.. Then it came down to standards and values. Then opinions on things like 9-11.. then who cares more for who... who tries harder... who is making things difficult... who just needs to relax... and so on. Through the entire relationship I felt bothered. There was always something that made me second guess our relationship. It was 3 years ago so I don't really remember specifics anymore, but I remember some things. He was very persuasive. He made me do things I didn't want to.... he would start. I would say stop. He would say its okay. He would start. I would say i dont know. He would say trust me. And the dumb 17 year old I was, listened.

Just so you know I was a virgin when I got married. It was other things he made me do..

I thought I should trust him, but later events would say otherwise.

I hated the person he made me become. He changed the way I felt about myself... and not in a good way... I began to hate myself because I felt dirty because of the things he did to me. I felt like I messed up and it was all my fault. I felt flawed and dirty and unworthy. I had never felt like this in the past. I felt unworthy in more than one way..

As you may know, in my religion, intimacy before marriage is not encouraged. In fact, it is considered a sin.

So I not only felt unworthy in that aspect, but also I felt unworthy of anyone's love. How could someone love me if I am dirty? why should anyone want something someone else already had?  I felt like I would be sloppy seconds forever.

excluding that,
I can say that I was no where near ready to emotionally, physically, and mentally commit myself to someone in that way..

I wish I could go back and erase him from my memory.

The worst part is I dont think he knows why I hate him so much now. Because, to him what he was doing isnt abnormal in today's society. But it wasnt normal for me..