poison

so I was thinking about everything I have buried in the darkest parts of my mind. I buried them because I wanted to forget them, but things tend to resurface. 

I buried the poison, but I can still taste it every once in a while.

Remember when you kissed him? your heart did jump, but in a different way. You wish it never felt good, but it did. You cant deny it. However, that jump is nothing compared to the fire you feel burning in your chest now. Or kissed her? that was because of the poison 

Remember when you poured that poison down your throat. Then the warmth that you felt when the poison starts coursing through your veins. The world goes blurry and you find yourself pressing the poison to your mouth over and over again. You do it so much you forget how much you have had, so you take more just because someone hands you that glass. You throw your head back and the glass follows as another ounce of poison reaches the edges of your mind. 

Then there is that sweet smoke the taste it left was amazing. It lingered on your breath and its sweetness made you want more. Inhaling would always slightly burn, but the way out felt like you were getting rid of your troubles. You watched the smoke escape your lungs and then disappear. Whilst that was happening your mind lifted. A little dizziness would start, but that just made it better. It took away the heaviness. You felt light. 

But what did this do for me? 

I ended up back where I was before. 

I felt my worries flood back in, but this time they were heavier. 

The weight crushed everything. Then you waited. You spend the whole day weighed down by the weight. 

Then the night comes and you go again. Worries drift away and life seems amazing.

Then again.. 

Wake up. Feel again. Bare the weight all day. Night. Dizziness. Unstoppable. Sleep. Repeat. 

Over and over. 

When does 

it stop? 

It stops when you make it stop. You don't have to feel like this.

So I changed. The weight is gone and when it comes back I can get rid of it. 

I don't have to forget it. I can actually fix it instead of letting it fester until it becomes a full blown emotional infection. 

the poison stars small, but it effects everything. 

You are the only one who can get rid of it. 

Poison once had control of my life. 

Now the poison is gone

I am in control. 

forever.