everything I'm glad you're not.

You don't hurt me like he did. Now, yes we fight, but its different. You don't attack my opinion and you actually listen to what I am saying. 

You are about my values and you try to uphold them with me. 

I'm glad you listen to boundaries and limits. 

I am glad you have self control. He never would listen when I said no. 

You don't make me do anything I don't want to do - that was a big change... (I'm not talking about mundane things like doing homework. I am talking about things that make me uncomfortable or self conscious) 

I'm glad you aren't that person who charms everyone into thinking you are nice, funny, and a good person. You don't have to do that because you are a good person. 

I'm glad you respect my mom and you don't argue with her about things that aren't relevant. 

I am especially glad you aren't rude to my mom. Or rude to me. 

You're caring. That is what is different. 

You are actually caring. 

That is what I am glad you are. 

two

only two days until I am out of this apartment. I could not be more happy and I could not be more sad, My roommates have been awesome, but I am so ready for school to be over. I am in desperate need of a break. Plus I am in desperate need of more Nicolas time. I got used to only seeing him one or two days on the weekends, but recently we have had a lot of three day and four day weekends. So now since I have been a bit spoiled I am getting cranky when I don't get to see him as much...

Him

Fingernails tracing my spine,
I began to close my eyes and focus on the patterns he was drawing on my back
It would almost put me to sleep.
Then his lips would touch mine
His hands would gently caress my waist
I feel his breath on my skin
It would make my hair stand on end
My body becomes covered in goosebumps
Every gentle touch or soft breath made my skin feel like it was on fire
My mind starts to blur and he is in control
His fingers run through my hair
His other hand caresses the curve of my back
He pulls me in closer
I grab his t shirt in my hand and pull him in too
It feels like i will never be close enough
The closer I get the more I want
I crave his touch
I crave his lips
And I crave his love
I would give anything for him to satisfy my craving
I wish this torture would end
I want him.
I want him now.

Darling I'm a Nightmare Dressed like a Day Dream

Rose garden filled with thorns 

Perfect storm 

- These are Taylor Swifts lyrics. It's been a while since I have written a poem and her song inspired me to just go for it and write this one. -

Hands. Reaching for my body. 

Grabbing me so tight my skin turns red

Lips. touch mine so gently

They burn of passion and love. 

Every time I wish for more. 

I reach back, but my reach is soft

gently tricking patterns over your skin 

my fingernails give you chills

your porcelain skin begins to change 

the chills go up and down your spine

this is the feeling I live for. 

The fact I can give you chills 

and I can make you want me.

I see colorful clouds as my mind shuts down 

I am in control and at the same time... 

I'm not. 

I feel the fire, but you feed it. 

Everything you do makes my chest burn 

I can never feel close enough to you  

I want to be yours forever. 

I want your burning lips on mine 

I want to feel you grab me 

I want it to burn my skin 

And 

Never 

Stop. 

poison

so I was thinking about everything I have buried in the darkest parts of my mind. I buried them because I wanted to forget them, but things tend to resurface. 

I buried the poison, but I can still taste it every once in a while.

Remember when you kissed him? your heart did jump, but in a different way. You wish it never felt good, but it did. You cant deny it. However, that jump is nothing compared to the fire you feel burning in your chest now. Or kissed her? that was because of the poison 

Remember when you poured that poison down your throat. Then the warmth that you felt when the poison starts coursing through your veins. The world goes blurry and you find yourself pressing the poison to your mouth over and over again. You do it so much you forget how much you have had, so you take more just because someone hands you that glass. You throw your head back and the glass follows as another ounce of poison reaches the edges of your mind. 

Then there is that sweet smoke the taste it left was amazing. It lingered on your breath and its sweetness made you want more. Inhaling would always slightly burn, but the way out felt like you were getting rid of your troubles. You watched the smoke escape your lungs and then disappear. Whilst that was happening your mind lifted. A little dizziness would start, but that just made it better. It took away the heaviness. You felt light. 

But what did this do for me? 

I ended up back where I was before. 

I felt my worries flood back in, but this time they were heavier. 

The weight crushed everything. Then you waited. You spend the whole day weighed down by the weight. 

Then the night comes and you go again. Worries drift away and life seems amazing.

Then again.. 

Wake up. Feel again. Bare the weight all day. Night. Dizziness. Unstoppable. Sleep. Repeat. 

Over and over. 

When does 

it stop? 

It stops when you make it stop. You don't have to feel like this.

So I changed. The weight is gone and when it comes back I can get rid of it. 

I don't have to forget it. I can actually fix it instead of letting it fester until it becomes a full blown emotional infection. 

the poison stars small, but it effects everything. 

You are the only one who can get rid of it. 

Poison once had control of my life. 

Now the poison is gone

I am in control. 

forever. 

could you not?

Drama. Please stop. You are acting like a child. We are roommates. I am not your designated babysitter when you want to act like you are five years old. WIPE YOUR OWN BUTT! jeez. I know you don't actually act like this. Being sick doesn't render acting like you are high. You aren't even on medicine.. Just stop.

Dear Confessions of an Average Misfit,

274

That's how many days I waited to see you post on your blog again. I hoped you would every day. After we left school I would check it every once in a while, but for the last three months I have checked it every time I got on my computer. I would click on my tab for it and every time I would see the same post...

I don't know why I kept looking, but I think it's because I was worried about you.. I was concerned with the things you were doing and it made me sad to see you slipping. I remember our heart to hearts and how you would always express to me the guilt you would feel about certain things.

I don't know if you felt that anymore. All I knew is that I missed you. I missed my Vampire Diaries buddy. You were my best friend in the apartment by far. You always would listen to me and I would listen to you. Something I am most grateful for is when you still would listen to me even when everyone else was over it. When Nick and I broke up you never stopped caring. You stayed by me and listened to me when everyone else thought I should be over it by now..

Your friendship meant a lot to me and I really do miss having your crazy self around. My roommates this semester are cool, but no one could ever replace Jade!

Those 274 days were saddening.

You always seemed a little happier when you wrote on your blog because you could get things off your chest. So the fact that you wrote again makes me really happy because, in a way, it says 'I'm doing better'. And that makes me very happy.

You are an amazing person and I want to see you VERY soon!

I miss you...

over it.

fuck you. be a little more discrete when talking about me behind my back. when you jump and stop talking when I walk towards you its a little obvious. Just saying.

gotta get down on friday

!TGIF! I am so pumped that it is Friday! I am heading to IF today just for fun and for shopping! I gotta get my man a good Christmas present! I am so excited for Christmas this year because I will get to spend it with Mr. Nicolas! Also I get to meet his family for the first time which is way exciting! So this will be Nick and I's first Christmas together as a couple. We weren't technically dating at this time last year!

My schedule this week is so insane.. So this weekend is kinda chill, but next week is crazy..

Monday-
Class at 8:00am
Class at 12:45pm
Dr. Apt 3:00pm in IF
Take Cassie to IF with me
Meet up in IF with Kenzie

Tuesday-
Hang out with Kenzie
Pack for thanksgiving
Class at 3:15pm
Go back to IF
Stay at Nick's Aunt's house over night

Wednesday-
Drive to Logan at 9:00am
Dress fitting at noon
Leave for Manti, Utah at 2:00pm
Arrive in Manti, Utah around 6:00pm
Cook pies for Thanksgiving

Thursday-
Cook Thanksgiving meal
RELAX!

Friday-
Pack food storage from grandma
Drive back to Logan
Pick up wedding dress
Drive back to IF
Stay at Nick's Aunt's house over night

Saturday-
Drive back to Rexburg
Unpack
Wash clothes

Sunday -
Church
Dinner with nick


And then somewhere in there I need to find time to do homework, sleep, and take care of myself. This is not gonna be easy. You could say I am a tiny bit stressed out. But I can rejoice because it is FRIDAY! Then after this weekend I have two days of classes and then I get a mini 'vacation.' It doesn't feel like vacation since I am gonna be crazy busy, but at least I am getting out of Idaho for a couple days!

something borrowed

Weddings. What can I say about weddings?

It is....
crazy,
exciting,
frustrating,
stressful,
fun,
complicated,
dramatic,
busy,
and
amazing

There are so many mixed feelings about weddings in my mind. I love it. I hate it. It is so crazy. I wish I could just fast forward and be at the wedding so I can have fun and end this crazy ride. I honestly cannot wait to marry him! I can't wait to be his wife forever. I still get butterflies when I think about our life together. .I know those butterflies will eventually fade, but right now I thrive off of that feeling. I still love him when I am not feeling those butterflies, but I want to enjoy them while they last.

As of right now there are 52 days until I will be married. It is so crazy. I know people say marriage will not be all it is cracked up to be, but I think it will still be pretty great. The fact I will have someone who I can always rely on in any aspect of my life makes me so happy. The fact that I will wake up beside someone I love everyday makes me really happy. I know that I will not have that thrill forever, but that constant is what is going to be amazing, I am a creature of habit. I thrive off of certain habits and I know that getting into bed with him and waking up next to him will make me happy because of the consistent habit.

I know it will be hard. It will be hard every day, but I know I can handle it we can handle it. I have had best friends growing up, but never a friend like him. He knows all my secrets. Not even my best friend knows all my secrets. He knows my mind. He knows my body language. He knows my facial expressions. He knows when I am upset before I do. He looks after me and defends me in anyway he can.

*Intermission*

(even in my dreams) I had a dream last night about a group of friends going to a party. It was okay, but we all ended up leaving and when we were leaving everyone else was too because the party just kind of died. So we were leaving and the host was by the door and I was like "nice party.." In a very sarcastic tone. He then came out and tried to hit me. He threw a long board at me and Nick, of course defended me. He kept throwing things at me. Then at one point Nick was far away from me at the car and the host was chasing me, but I couldn't run. It was really scary, but I remember Nick getting me and helping me start running and he stayed behind and straightened things out. Then I woke up.

*End of Intermission*

I cant wait to be a married woman and have someone beside me through the rest of my life. I want to build a family and a home with him. I want him to take care of me and I want to take care of him. I want to be a team and work things out together. I want to be a unit. It will always be Nick and Emma. .That is how is should be forever. I love him. Even when I don't like him at the moment, I still love him. I will always love him.

So 52 days need to go by faster so this roller coaster can end. I an ready to be Mrs. Dorsett. I am ready to be a wife. I am ready to have a husband. And I am ready to love him for the rest of my life.

why i love him.

So his phone turned off today and doesn't turn back on. Not being able to call him sucks, but even worse, he lost all of his photos and videos on it. He had videos of me from forever ago and he really did cherish them. He was really disappointed and sad because of it. But I didn't see the big deal because earlier that day he said there is no reason to cry over spilled milk (referring to the lost pictures) So I was being supportive and just saying that it will be okay.  I hope he doesn't mind me sharing this, but it meant a lot to me:) 

Calm the Eff Down

Why are you freaking out? His job isn't to validate your hatred toward someone. His job is to see a situation and try to find a way to fix it. I understand the frustration, but they are winning. They do stuff to piss us off and then you are letting them win. Just stop associating with them. Dont let them effect us! Ugh I am s.....

(event) 

So the girls just came over and apologized for what they did... I still have mixed feelings about it. Most of them seemed sincere about it, but I still feel like someone knew about the whole plan. I don't know what to think at this point. Why can't they just chill out and have us all get along? It's not that hard to tolerate people for one our a week without trying to physically hurt them... 

Why are girls so immature and malicious? Can we just talk about it instead of secretly attacking us? Whatever I am not going to associate with them anymore. I appreciate the apology, but I just don't feel the need to validate our friendship when we know you don't like us and we don't like you because of that.   

Rant - Part One

**Just as a preface, if anyone ever reads this and you know this may include you, please do not be offended. This is where I write my feelings. Both good and bad. So, please, don't take it personally.**

#1 - Smarty Pants
So you think you are so smart, huh? You seriously talk to your mom in a horrid way. Have some respect she brought you into this world for goodness sake, You piss me off so much. If you are going to talk crap about me when I am in the room at least learn how to whisper so I don't come and make you eat your words.

#2 - Are You Kidding Me
You think you are so freaking funny. Did you know that what you did is actually illegal? I know you think it is just a practical joke, but the fact that is was directed at us was absolutely appalling. I thought you were more mature than that. Guess I was wrong. The intent of your joke is sickening the fact that you told everyone else, but us is the worst. Thank you for being dicks. Oh and you too doll face, Oh and just a life tip. That make up you wear comes off when you have sex. You don't want to get a divorce over your looks, do you?

#3 - Kitchen Disasters
Don't tell me that dish isn't yours I saw you use it. It's always the same. Who's dish is this? "Not mine." x5 oh I guess its no ones then. We need to talk to the dishes and tell them to stop getting in the food you are eating.Like what? Just own up to your dishes and do them. Oh and you say back home you did all your dishes? Then why do you suck at doing them here? We do not have the counter space for 6 people to leave their food on the counter. Be observant and realize that.

sick and wrong

So my roommate is sick,, with the flu. Oh Lord! I don't wanna get sick. I have already been sick twice this semester. I cannot afford to get sick again. I am praying I stay healthy. Getting sick freaks me out because I hate being sick.

Oh on the bright side I get to see Nick today! We are going to see Dumb and Dumber To! I am so freaking excited! I miss him so much. He makes me so happy and I am happy that I found someone that loves me and cares about me enough to want to be with me forever!

Update!

11 days until thanksgiving break!
34 days until the end of the semester!
56 days until I am Mrs. Dorsett!

forget

okay non existent people I talk to when I am bored/ needing to talk,
I have a question.

Is it possible to erase something from your memory completely?

like I know you can forget things, you forget where you were, what you were wearing, what you ate, etc. But you forget those things because they aren't significant. Then why can we not forget things that  happen to us or terrible life experiences. Why do we have the ability to forget meaningless things, but we cant forget things that have scarred us,

I know that they shape who you are, but not everything shapes you into who you are. Some things are just scars that still hurt when you touch them. Those things don't shape you. If anything they harm you so why are we allowed to remember the things that leave scars, but the small and simple things get erased...

Well I guess that is the answer. Small cuts and bruises fade away really fast, but the deep cuts stay a while. Eventually they might fade, but there will always be a small mark that shows where the cut was.  I wish they could disappear completely. Sometimes I feel myself slip back into a place where I feel like my world is crumbling. It's sad to say, but I sometimes replay my fiance breaking up with me. This happened a while ago, but now we are fine (obviously) because we are getting married. But I sometimes replay it in my mind and it brings me back to how that felt. I can still hear him talking and I can still feel the cold wind that was blowing down my neck. I remember seeing his eyes shining from the street light. And I remember that hug that I thought would be the last. Every time I think about it the hole in my chest goes right back to where it was. I know everything is okay now, but that pain does not erase. Well at least not easily.

Why do I need to remember that pain? What use is that? It just puts me in a terrible place and can honestly ruin my whole day.

I don't know maybe I am just crazy

So non existent people, why cant I forget things?

{untitled}

So I don't even know what I am going to end up writing about so I haven't even put in a title, but things are going pretty good right now. I am happy things seem to be going my way. Except I feel kind of stuck. It is full swing winter time here in Rexburg and it is only going to get worse. Utah already has snow. They shouldn't get snow until December. That means this winter is going to be insanely cold and snowy. During the winter I get depressed. When I don't have sun or natural heat I get stuck in this place where I dont feel like doing anything (not to mention, getting up in the morning feels like death) my grades slip, I sleep a lot, I eat a lot of salt, I like my space, I like my  bed. I just become kind of depressed. It is really annoying. At least out east it is cold, but the sun still shows itself. Here it feels like once it snows you wont see blue skies again until April. I hate it.

fifty eight thoughts

So there are fifty eight days until I am married to the most amazing man on this planet. So here are fifty eight thoughts...

one: I hate homework
two: I am getting into guitar again
three: I miss Nick everyday
four: I wish he didn't live so far away
five: I miss my mom
six: I think one of my roommates doesn't like me
seven: I wish my life was like Vampire diaries
eight: I cant wait for Christmas
nine: I love my heating blanket
ten: I miss Virginia
eleven: Blankets can always make me feel better
twelve: Sometimes I want to just run away
thirteen: I lie to the ones I love sometimes
fourteen: Nick is the only one I am 100 percent honest with
fifteen: Hot chocolate can make me feel better
sixteen: I am obsessed with orange juice
seventeen: I wish I had true red hair
eighteen: Vampires are so cool
nineteen: Fall is my favorite time of year
twenty: I'm scared of losing my grandparents
twenty one: Taylor Swift is my idol
twenty two: My roommates don't know that much about me
twenty three: I wish I could write a song
twenty four: I will do anything for Nick
twenty five: I want to play basketball again
twenty six: I want my boobs to be bigger
twenty seven: I want to lose 10 pounds
twenty eight: My dream job is to be a photographer
twenty nine: I wish I could be in a pageant
thirty: I want to own a bakery
thirty one: Emmalou is my favorite name
thirty two: I want my long hair back
thirty three: I love wearing high heels
thirty four: I wish I was two inches shorter
thirty five: I love ramen
thirty six: laundry sucks
thirty seven: I want to have sex with him right now
thirty eight: I am going to miss thongs
thirty nine: I am scared of child birth
forty: I wish I had abs
forty one: I want to live in Hawaii
forty two: I think I look good in black
forty three: I wish I lived back in the day so I could wear dresses everyday
forty four: I miss my brothers
forty five: I love sleep
forty six: Make-up is my passion
forty seven: I love warm sweaters
forty eight: I want my teeth to be whiter
forty nine: I wish I cared less
fifty: Socks are my favorite
fifty one: I love cheese
fifty two: I love playing poker
fifty three: I want my eyes to be bluer
fifty four: I love pearls
fifty five: I love when he wears his glasses
fifty six: I miss being tan
fifty seven: I love beards
fifty eight: I am in love with Nicolas Tyler Dorsett

Purpose

So I have been thinking lately and I need a place to get out all my stresses and all my inner thoughts that no one really needs to know or read about. So if anyone comes across this don't judge me I just need a place to let things out. So here it goes the start of my inner thoughts.