old friends / old pictures - part four

Box Creature

This was the day that we got back from winter break, My roommate Sam got a huge box in the mail from something she ordered and she decided to turn it into something slightly horrifying.. it was hilarious, but also kinda creepy. Sam always knew how to make life better. There is never a dull moment around her and she fills the whole room with energy. It can be a good and a bad thing. Sometimes her energy is nauseating.

I have known Sam for a few years now. I met her at EFY when I was seventeen. We were roommates then. We decided to room together in Idaho so that we would at least know someone. It was nice to get to Idaho and at least see one familiar face!

old friends / old pictures - part three

Here we go again! I love reminiscing on these old photos. It brings back so many emotions and so many good memories.

GOAL!

So when I first got to Rexburg, my life was pretty simple. Just meeting new people and hanging out with my roommates! We were all first semester freshman so none of us really knew anyone. So we all became best friends really fast! But one of our favorite activities was to pile into our friends 5 person car and fit around 10 into the front, the back, and even the trunk. We were kinda crazy if you couldn't tell. But we would go to these soccer games and freeze our butts off! We would bring blankets and try to keep warm, but we all just ended up huddled on the ground next to the fence basically cuddling with anyone that could bring more insulation to the mix. I loved/ hated going to these soccer games, I really don't like soccer very much.. or the cold.... but it beat staying at home alone eating my worried away. So I opted for freezing my butt off, but I made a lot of good friends doing so. Oh and this girl on my back is Sydney Halford! She was the cutest little thing from Gilbert, AZ. Everyone loved her! She was always so sweet and cute! She always made everyone feel loved and she definitely brought a sweet spirit to our apartment! She is on a mission now in Washington! She even served in my other roommates's ward for a time when we all went home for the summer!

old friends / old photos - part two

So I am kind of switching up how I am going to do this series.. I decided I wanted to put the stories with a picture so that it isn't so boring... if anyone reads it anyway. So here we go!

The Beginning of What Felt Like a New Life

This photo was taken during the first week of my freshman year of college. It was so strange and surreal to be living on my own. These girls behind me made life a lot easier. Alex is on the left and Jade on the right. Alex and I are now married, which is absolutely insane! She is so sweet and I love being around her! We both ended up marrying guys who lived in the same apartment! Roommates dating roommates! Then there is Jade! I cannot say enough to adequately describe this girl. She was my best friend in the apartment by far. She always cared. She always listened. She cried with me when I cried and she would eat fattening pizza with me when I just wanted to drown my sorrows. During the last month of school we both became single and it was very hard on us both. So what did we do? We sat and watched Vampire Diaries for hours on end. We would sit and cry about the show, eat pizza, and forget to do homework... but thats besides the point! This girl made my life so much easier! She was and is a blessing to me! The first week of school I was so optimistic, but that was soon crushed by the amount of school work I was stuck doing everyday.

So I would classify these friendships as: Existent, but wishing they were stronger, and missing the old times! 

old friends - part one

So I have been thinking lately about friends who come and go and the ones that never leave. It's just been on my mind lately.. but anyway I wanna tell a few stories, but I will be subbing in different names because ya... this is part one... sorry if I bore you... 

So when I was growing up I had one really close friend. Her name was Paige I had been through pretty much everything with her. She lived about 700 feet away from me. We were best friends. I saw her everyday and we did stupid preteen stuff together. We made dumb TV shows and made up dances and made up raps and so on. She was literally my best friend. High school came, she was one year older than me. So she went to high school first, but we were still best friend. Through my freshman year, sophmore year and part of my junior year. During my junior year, Paige and I grew apart and it was kind of my fault. I got a boyfriend who was very controlling and friendships were not allowed unless he wanted them around.. so the naive 17 year old I was thought it was normal. So we drifted... and by then it was her senior year and she made some new friends since I wasn't around much. Then she graduated and worked all summer and went off to college while I was still dating the... the.. i dont even know how to describe him, but anyway I broke it off with him in the beginning of my senior year, just after homecoming, and I found myself really lonely, but I would still see Paige from time to time when she would come home for a visit. Then she was home all summer and I saw her a lot, but her other friends wanted to hang out with her too. And these friends partook in the same fun she did... and I didnt... well much. She loved to drink with them and I was into it for a while too, but I lost interest after a couple times. But she didn't so it got to the point where she just wanted to go drinking rather than hang out. So I lost her. Then I went off to college, so I never heard from her for a couple months. Then I came back for chirstmas and we hung out, but of course, she was more interested in the alcohol rather than the conversation. When I went back to school, I got a few drunken phone calls from her about her boy, but that was it. People always say that drunken worlds are truthful words. Because they dont have the courage to say them sober. So the fact that she called me makes me hope that in some way she knows that I am s true friend and I am always there when everyone else is to preoccupied with their drinking and problems I am there. But since then I hardly hear from her or see her. I thought I would at least see her at my wedding reception, but she had other plans.. I probably wont see her again for a really long time. Soon I will be moving back to Idaho. I will be signing a year lease so I will be there for at least a year. And by then my parents will be living either in Utah or Idaho... so I will have no reason to come back to Virginia. So if I don't see her before April, I will never see her again.. 

So I guess I could classify this old friend as: Circumstantial, soon to be long lost - friend. 

stuck

** Just as a disclaimer for anyone who may read this in the future, this doesn't reflect on anyone in my life. It's just how I have been feeling lately. Its not due to anyone.**

I feel lost.
There is so much to do and so little motivation.
I feel like I will get better when we move.
Here I feel like a child.
If I am on my own with him we can finally start.
Being independent
Being ourselves.
I love my family and I love their generosity,
but things aren't going as planned.
We aren't making any money
we aren't doing anything

day after day
we wake up
eat breakfast
sit
apply for jobs
sit
maybe go to the grocery store
sit
eat dinner
sit
bed time
sleep.
and repeat.

I need something to do. That's partly why I write on here. It gives me something to do and it gives me an outlet. I don't always want to complain so I find another way to express how I am feeling. The only problem is, if anyone I love found these 'venting' posts it would stir up some problems. Because some people like to construe the things I say and read into them unnecessarily.

I just need to figure things out and I cant do that when I don't know what to do.

I just need some help

I just need a sign.

stars

The room is spinning

I see blurs of color sneak into my vision

almost like stars lighting up the night sky

I feel your hot breath on my skin

I reach for you, but the room is still spinning

You slowly come into focus

I see you leaning over me

I pull you down to my lips

I feel your velvet lips touch mine

I crave more stars

you fall your back and pull me on top of you

I look down and see the man I love

I see the man who I will love for the rest of my life

the man I will have children with

my love for you grows as I look at you

you are perfect, and you are mine

you begin to kiss me and my head becomes cloudy again

my passion begins to swell as you kiss my lips

I love everything about you

every edge

every flaw

every touch.

I never want these stars to leave

I feel so perfect and so whole

the blurs of color make the room spin again

and all I know is i completely love you.

A naive seventeen year old

so I cant decide what exactly I should write on here and what I shouldnt... I'm not going to write super personal stuff, but sometimes I need to write about and I kind of like to publish it I guess... I dont know... it just looks so pretty on my website. anyways... here we go.

When I was 17 I was dating this guy... His name was Tyler. We dated for about 8 or 9 months. (I dont really count the last month because we fought through the whole thing. Anyhow, we had a lot of problems from the beginning. At first, it was the age difference. I was 17 and he was 19 and I guess everyone had a problem with that. except for my parents.. Then it came down to standards and values. Then opinions on things like 9-11.. then who cares more for who... who tries harder... who is making things difficult... who just needs to relax... and so on. Through the entire relationship I felt bothered. There was always something that made me second guess our relationship. It was 3 years ago so I don't really remember specifics anymore, but I remember some things. He was very persuasive. He made me do things I didn't want to.... he would start. I would say stop. He would say its okay. He would start. I would say i dont know. He would say trust me. And the dumb 17 year old I was, listened.

Just so you know I was a virgin when I got married. It was other things he made me do..

I thought I should trust him, but later events would say otherwise.

I hated the person he made me become. He changed the way I felt about myself... and not in a good way... I began to hate myself because I felt dirty because of the things he did to me. I felt like I messed up and it was all my fault. I felt flawed and dirty and unworthy. I had never felt like this in the past. I felt unworthy in more than one way..

As you may know, in my religion, intimacy before marriage is not encouraged. In fact, it is considered a sin.

So I not only felt unworthy in that aspect, but also I felt unworthy of anyone's love. How could someone love me if I am dirty? why should anyone want something someone else already had?  I felt like I would be sloppy seconds forever.

excluding that,
I can say that I was no where near ready to emotionally, physically, and mentally commit myself to someone in that way..

I wish I could go back and erase him from my memory.

The worst part is I dont think he knows why I hate him so much now. Because, to him what he was doing isnt abnormal in today's society. But it wasnt normal for me..