everything I'm glad you're not.

You don't hurt me like he did. Now, yes we fight, but its different. You don't attack my opinion and you actually listen to what I am saying. 

You are about my values and you try to uphold them with me. 

I'm glad you listen to boundaries and limits. 

I am glad you have self control. He never would listen when I said no. 

You don't make me do anything I don't want to do - that was a big change... (I'm not talking about mundane things like doing homework. I am talking about things that make me uncomfortable or self conscious) 

I'm glad you aren't that person who charms everyone into thinking you are nice, funny, and a good person. You don't have to do that because you are a good person. 

I'm glad you respect my mom and you don't argue with her about things that aren't relevant. 

I am especially glad you aren't rude to my mom. Or rude to me. 

You're caring. That is what is different. 

You are actually caring. 

That is what I am glad you are. 

two

only two days until I am out of this apartment. I could not be more happy and I could not be more sad, My roommates have been awesome, but I am so ready for school to be over. I am in desperate need of a break. Plus I am in desperate need of more Nicolas time. I got used to only seeing him one or two days on the weekends, but recently we have had a lot of three day and four day weekends. So now since I have been a bit spoiled I am getting cranky when I don't get to see him as much...

Him

Fingernails tracing my spine,
I began to close my eyes and focus on the patterns he was drawing on my back
It would almost put me to sleep.
Then his lips would touch mine
His hands would gently caress my waist
I feel his breath on my skin
It would make my hair stand on end
My body becomes covered in goosebumps
Every gentle touch or soft breath made my skin feel like it was on fire
My mind starts to blur and he is in control
His fingers run through my hair
His other hand caresses the curve of my back
He pulls me in closer
I grab his t shirt in my hand and pull him in too
It feels like i will never be close enough
The closer I get the more I want
I crave his touch
I crave his lips
And I crave his love
I would give anything for him to satisfy my craving
I wish this torture would end
I want him.
I want him now.

Darling I'm a Nightmare Dressed like a Day Dream

Rose garden filled with thorns 

Perfect storm 

- These are Taylor Swifts lyrics. It's been a while since I have written a poem and her song inspired me to just go for it and write this one. -

Hands. Reaching for my body. 

Grabbing me so tight my skin turns red

Lips. touch mine so gently

They burn of passion and love. 

Every time I wish for more. 

I reach back, but my reach is soft

gently tricking patterns over your skin 

my fingernails give you chills

your porcelain skin begins to change 

the chills go up and down your spine

this is the feeling I live for. 

The fact I can give you chills 

and I can make you want me.

I see colorful clouds as my mind shuts down 

I am in control and at the same time... 

I'm not. 

I feel the fire, but you feed it. 

Everything you do makes my chest burn 

I can never feel close enough to you  

I want to be yours forever. 

I want your burning lips on mine 

I want to feel you grab me 

I want it to burn my skin 

And 

Never 

Stop. 

poison

so I was thinking about everything I have buried in the darkest parts of my mind. I buried them because I wanted to forget them, but things tend to resurface. 

I buried the poison, but I can still taste it every once in a while.

Remember when you kissed him? your heart did jump, but in a different way. You wish it never felt good, but it did. You cant deny it. However, that jump is nothing compared to the fire you feel burning in your chest now. Or kissed her? that was because of the poison 

Remember when you poured that poison down your throat. Then the warmth that you felt when the poison starts coursing through your veins. The world goes blurry and you find yourself pressing the poison to your mouth over and over again. You do it so much you forget how much you have had, so you take more just because someone hands you that glass. You throw your head back and the glass follows as another ounce of poison reaches the edges of your mind. 

Then there is that sweet smoke the taste it left was amazing. It lingered on your breath and its sweetness made you want more. Inhaling would always slightly burn, but the way out felt like you were getting rid of your troubles. You watched the smoke escape your lungs and then disappear. Whilst that was happening your mind lifted. A little dizziness would start, but that just made it better. It took away the heaviness. You felt light. 

But what did this do for me? 

I ended up back where I was before. 

I felt my worries flood back in, but this time they were heavier. 

The weight crushed everything. Then you waited. You spend the whole day weighed down by the weight. 

Then the night comes and you go again. Worries drift away and life seems amazing.

Then again.. 

Wake up. Feel again. Bare the weight all day. Night. Dizziness. Unstoppable. Sleep. Repeat. 

Over and over. 

When does 

it stop? 

It stops when you make it stop. You don't have to feel like this.

So I changed. The weight is gone and when it comes back I can get rid of it. 

I don't have to forget it. I can actually fix it instead of letting it fester until it becomes a full blown emotional infection. 

the poison stars small, but it effects everything. 

You are the only one who can get rid of it. 

Poison once had control of my life. 

Now the poison is gone

I am in control. 

forever. 

could you not?

Drama. Please stop. You are acting like a child. We are roommates. I am not your designated babysitter when you want to act like you are five years old. WIPE YOUR OWN BUTT! jeez. I know you don't actually act like this. Being sick doesn't render acting like you are high. You aren't even on medicine.. Just stop.

Dear Confessions of an Average Misfit,

274

That's how many days I waited to see you post on your blog again. I hoped you would every day. After we left school I would check it every once in a while, but for the last three months I have checked it every time I got on my computer. I would click on my tab for it and every time I would see the same post...

I don't know why I kept looking, but I think it's because I was worried about you.. I was concerned with the things you were doing and it made me sad to see you slipping. I remember our heart to hearts and how you would always express to me the guilt you would feel about certain things.

I don't know if you felt that anymore. All I knew is that I missed you. I missed my Vampire Diaries buddy. You were my best friend in the apartment by far. You always would listen to me and I would listen to you. Something I am most grateful for is when you still would listen to me even when everyone else was over it. When Nick and I broke up you never stopped caring. You stayed by me and listened to me when everyone else thought I should be over it by now..

Your friendship meant a lot to me and I really do miss having your crazy self around. My roommates this semester are cool, but no one could ever replace Jade!

Those 274 days were saddening.

You always seemed a little happier when you wrote on your blog because you could get things off your chest. So the fact that you wrote again makes me really happy because, in a way, it says 'I'm doing better'. And that makes me very happy.

You are an amazing person and I want to see you VERY soon!

I miss you...